


The best laid plans...

by pastell



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 15:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17810417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastell/pseuds/pastell
Summary: All Ken had wanted was one normal day. Was that really that much to ask for? One day where no one got killed and he and Bart could just have some fun for once. He’d even come up with an activity they could try out. Ken had figured that a hobby of sorts would help them relax and take their minds of the mission the universe assigned them.Really, what could possibly go wrong?





	The best laid plans...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @Langour (kodeless on tumblr) for being my really awesome beta and helping me with this thing.  
> Thanks to translaforge over on tumblr for creating some awesome art for this fic.  
> Here's a link to Day 1: https://translaforge.tumblr.com/post/182845337698/part-1-of-my-dghdabigbang-for-shortterrors-fic  
> and Day 6: https://translaforge.tumblr.com/post/182845349858/part-2-of-my-dghdabigbang-for-shortterrors-fic

Day 1

All Ken had wanted was one normal day. Was that really that much to ask for? One day where no one got killed and he and Bart could just have some fun for once. He’d even come up with an activity they could try out. Ken had figured that a hobby of sorts would help them relax and take their minds of the mission the universe assigned them.

Parkour had seemed like the perfect solution. It would keep them active and allowed both of them to burn of some energy. After all, what could go wrong while jumping over walls and fences?

He really should have known better, nothing was ever that easy.

"So you jumped over the wall and he was just there....right in front of your feet?"

“Yeah. Why, you don’t believe me?” Bart's voice had an accusing tone to it and Ken was quick to correct her.

“No, no it’s not that, I’m just….”, he closed his eyes and sighed, before looking once more at his friend,” I don’t even know why I’m feeling surprised anymore.”

They were standing next to the body of the man that Bart had hit, when she had jumped over the wall, feet first. The level they had started from had been higher than the one on the other side, which resulted in a nice hit to the guys neck. 

The gun that had fallen out of his jacket when he fell down suggested that the universe had probably directed them to this place at this time, but it didn’t change the fact that Ken was feeling a little pissed off. 

And to think that up until now everything had been going so well.

He sighed one more time as he regarded the man, pondering the fact that his neck definitely shouldn’t bend this way. The angle almost made him wince in sympathy, but only almost. After all there was usually a reason why someone ended up on the wrong side of Barts….well, feet in this case.

“Let’s get out of here. I’m hungry and the sign over there says that there are Burgers close by.”

Kens gaze travelled from Barts outstretched finger to the McDonalds sign at the end of street. 

Well, nothing he could do to change what happened. Might as well make the best of it now.  
It was also probably a good idea to move away from the scene of their ‘crime’, before someone noticed them standing next to a corpse while talking about their lunch plans.

“You know what, let’s do that. I’m hungry too.”

Next time he would find something that they could do indoors. Nothing bad could happen in a closed hotel room. Right?

 

Day 2 

The day had started out so nice. Ken had had it all planned out. After last times disastrous results, he managed to find something to keep them occupied and that wouldn’t even require them to venture outside.

He had done some searching on amazon and finally ordered them a 10.000 pieces lego set. After all, he reasoned, what could go wrong with lego? Worst case would be someone stepping on them and while they were certainly made in hell when it came to that aspect there was at least no chance of killing someone with a 2x8 brick. 

After a few initial tries in which Bart had built various weapons and tried to determine whether they had real-life application, Ken had finally managed to convince her into building something more harmless.

They had spent the morning building various buildings that Bart had staffed with little lego figures and while it slightly creeped Ken out to have little armies of lego men staring down at him, at least they were not real and therefore not killable.

Around one, they had run out of bricks and Ken had decided to see if he could pick some up from the toy store around the corner, also getting some pizza for them while he was out. 

When he left Bart had been busy placing more lego figurines around her towers.

Thirty minutes later he was standing in the open door, pizza in one hand, bricks in the other and couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.  
He definitely needed more facts, before he came to a decision on the matter. 

"Uhh, Bart...there's a guy impaled on your tower...Why is there a guy impaled on your tower?"

Ken stepped closer, depositing his purchases on the table next to the door, to take a closer look.  
Yep, there was definitely a guy stuck on their tallest tower. There was a pool of blood around him, slowly soaking into their carpet and he was obviously dead.

Bart seemed to be busy relocating her soldiers from the destruction side only sparing him a quick glance.

“ I dunno, he just fell from the ceiling.”

Now that Ken knew where to look he could see part of the vent cover under him. The fact that he was dressed all in black suddenly made a lot more sense as Ken looked up and saw a lonely diamond collier dangling out of the air duct. 

Just his luck that the only thief in the vicinity thought that this was the way to go.  
It was really a shame. He quite liked that room. 

Well, at least he could enjoy his pizza and finish the eiffel tower before they had to make their escape. 

He put the carton in the middle while making sure to stay clear of the blood and got back to building.

Next time he wouldn’t leave the hotel and would make sure that there were no crawl spaces above the room. 

There had to be something they could both enjoy without it resulting in a corpse.

 

Day 3 

Knitting, nothing could go wrong while knitting. It was the perfect hobby for them, even if he had to convince Bart of it first.  
“Why would you make your own stuff if the universe just gives it to you?”

His friend hadn’t understood the purpose of following patterns to create socks or scarfs and had immediately tried to test the sharpness of her needles on one of the pillows in their new room

It had taken some convincing to get her to try it and soon enough they were engrossed into their new activity. 

Some time passed before Bart stopped grumbling and her scarf looked more like a sieve, but in the end the spent two hours talking to each other and laughing while they worked.

Ken should have known it wouldn’t last.

In hindsight, the first sign that something was wrong was the sound of someone knocking on their door. Ken decided the safest way to ensure that no one would end up dead was to open the door himself.

He was surprised to find a member of the service staff outside who uttered a short “Room service”, before pushing his way past Ken. 

This had all the signs of a catastrophe so he decided to check the hallway to ensure there were no more surprises.  
He was still leaning out the door when there was a yelp and a squelching sound behind him followed by a thump.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath trying to remain calm, before he slowly leaned back, closing the door and turning around. 

He needed a few seconds to analyse the scene in front of him, before he realized what happened.

"Oh come on, this is getting really ridiculous."

Bart was still sitting in the same position as before, the service staff, whoever the guy was, lying at her feet and the knitting needles nowhere to be seen. Only a thin thread running from the cotton ball next to Bart down to his corpse gave Ken an idea where they ended up.

His suspicion was confirmed when Bart uttered an “Huuh”, before turning the guy over with her foot. Well at least the scarf looked good on him. It had wrapped around his neck held in place by the needles sticking out it.  
Ken also noticed dozens of little bags of white powder which seemed to have fallen off his cart. 

If Ken had to guess he’d say the idiot slipped on them and fell right on Bart. Okay, now he actually had to suppress his laughter. 

Ken slowly made his way back and got a new pair of needles out which he handed over while mentally going through the list of hotels that would actually still rent them a room. It wasn’t a very long one.

At least he’d gotten a scarf out of this one, he would worry about the rest later. 

Maybe next time they would go somewhere outside where there weren't a lot of people around. Maybe at night. Yeah, that would totally work.

By the time they finally made it out of the room to eat and past the police looking for a dealer they were apparently setting up for in the room directly below theirs, Ken was already deep into planning again. 

 

Day 4 

Ken had been so sure that his plan was perfect that the only explanation for it’s failure had to be some outside source. The universe just had to be conspiring against him. He couldn't think of another reason why someone was actually at a mini golf place, especially at 3 in the morning. 

Although after the initial surprise and anger at the cosmic force had passed, he had to admit that the situation was pretty funny.

He and Bart were standing at the eight hole, where the holistic assassin had just attempted to score. She had adapted pretty quickly to the game even if so far her shots had been all over the place.

In an attempt to encourage, Ken had actually moved her ball close to the hole a few times, invented a handful of rules of his own and made sure that the occasional ball of his own went wide.

He had already taken his shot and had actually managed to land close to the hole, despite aiming shorter. He took a step back so Bart could take her turn and watched her place the ball down.

“Just you watch, Imma hit this thing right in.”

Bart looked determined as she took her swing. Ken could already see that she would overshoot by a long shot. 

They both watched her ball vanish behind the next obstacle before there was a loud thump, a gurgling noise and then the sound of something heavy hitting the ground.

Bart didn't even hesitate before she went after her ball, while Ken suppressed a sigh and started following. They made their way around the windmill where they were greeted by all around a rather bizarre sight.

The first few seconds Ken cursed the universe and it's twisted sense of humor. After that he cursed everyone else. After that he took around deep breath and decided it wasn't worth it.

Barts shout of “Man, look, I win. I got a shot at once”, brought him back to the scene before them.

There was a man lying on the ground , obviously on his way to hide a body if the shape of the garbage bags next to him were any indication. His face had taken on a purple shade with surprise written on his face.

“You mean a hole in one”, he absent-mindedly corrected her.

“Yeah, whatever, just write it down”

It was a testimony to his state of mind after all the time of traveling with the assassin that he didn't even argue before he inspected their ‘probably a murderer’ closer. 

Bart was right. She had actually managed to score a hole in one, if you counted the throat of someone as a legitimate target on a mini golf course.  
Ken just shrugged, made a note on their little point card and decided that for the next time he had to find something that was not only absolutely boring and harmless but would also take place far far away from any civilization. 

 

Day 5 

Ken was at the end of his line. He almost laughed at the involuntary pun.  
He had really thought that fishing would be The hobby, the one hobby that would actually work. Really, what could go wrong when doing something that literally required you to do nothing for hours on end.

Apparently a lot.

Before he had met the holistic assassin and gone on a crazy trip through the country, Ken had never thought that he would one day stand on a deserted boat on a lake in the middle of nowhere and with total seriousness utter the words:

"Are you kidding me?! Why is there a guy at the end of your fishing line?"

But here he was.

Bart had been so proud of herself, when she cast the line out, not totally understanding why they were doing it, but determined to get it right. 

She had seemed even happier when there was a tugging that signaled something had caught on her hook. 

Bart had overcast by a long way and had actually managed to reach the point of shallow waters. Ken had been sure she would reel in some kind of driftwood or even some garbage left there sometime in the past.

Imagine his surprise when he saw what was caught at the end of the line.

The person that Bart had dragged out of the reed growing all over that part of the lake slowly drifted closer to them, pulled along by the fishing line that Bart was still reeling in, apparently not at all bothered by the body at the end of it.

In fact she seemed proud.

“See, told you I'm gonna be good at the stick thing. Caught something right away.”

Ken didn't look at her as he replied.

“Yeah, but you're supposed to catch fish - out of the lake and not whoever that is.”

Ken thought the guy looked vaguely familiar.

As Barts catch drifted closer he saw that the back of his head seemed to leak blood into the water. If he had to guess, Ken would say that Bart probably yanked him backwards when the hook got caught into his nose and he probably fell on some kind of blunt object, probably a stone.

The whole thing probably happened too fast for him to even react.

When the body reached their boat, Ken finally remembered where he'd seen that face before. 

For weeks now it had been all over the news. The FBI was desperately searching for this guy. Some kind of mobster for the mafia that had turned into a serial killer.

Good riddance was the only thought he had left after that.

Two hours later after letting the guy sink to the bottom of the lake they decided to call it a day and get something to eat.

They didn't catch any fish that day and Ken swore he would never go fishing again, but he vowed to himself to give that hobby thing one last try. 

After all, sixth time had to be the charm, right?

 

Day 6

Ken was feeling the adrenaline flooding his veins, making him feel excited and almost nervous.

"Yeah, that's it. You almost got him. Shoot the suckers head off." 

“I’m trying, but he just won't stand still”, was Barts only reply as she moved around a corner dead set on killing her current prey.

“Come on, hurry it up, he's going to get away. Just throw a knife or something. Catch him in the leg and he's down.”

He watched as Bart selected one of her knives, took aim and hit the guy square in the back, watching as he fell down.

In seconds the assassin had caught him and delivered the final blow.

“Okay, now we need to search him.”

There was a short pause as Bart did just that.

“Does he have it?”

“No, it's not there, must have dropped it somewhere or given it to one of the others.”

Bart seemed almost happy that she didn't find the object there were looking for. Ken could feel the excitement she felt at the idea of going back into the camp and causing even more havoc.

“Okay, okay, but I need something to eat first and maybe a few more bottles of water.”

“Fine, but hurry it up, I wanna continue.”

Ken made sure to hurry.

On his way to get food and drinks he once again reflected on how happy he was that he hadn't given up on this whole hobby thing.

Maybe this wasn't what he had imagined the two of them doing when he envisioned them doing something they both enjoyed, but then again he was learning a lot this week.

At least the universe seemed to finally be agreeing with them. Then again, technically there were doing exactly what the cosmic force tasked the holistic assassin with.

Making sure they were set for the next few hours, Ken made his way back and ensured that everything was stashed away.

“Okay, let's go and finish what we started.

With a smile on his face he watched as Bart picked the controller back up and on screen Nathan Drake turned around to kill some more mercenaries.


End file.
